Derp Souls: Soulmas In Lordran
by OmegaKhaos
Summary: It is that jolly time of year when everyone in Lordan gets together for the annual Soulmas Party. This is the event of the year! Just hope nothing goes wrong... T Rated because this is DKS we are talking about. Enjoy the story and Jolly Soulmas to all!


Omega: After receiving a lovely little challenge to make a Christmas 1 Shot for Dark Souls, I created this.

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It twas Soulmas day, all the people of Lordran rejoiced as they went and opened all their presents delivered by jolly old Manus Claus. They all awoke and rushed to their Bonfires to get the gifts from Old Saint Abyss. They all got just what they wanted.

The Chosen Undead Jack just ripped open his gift's wrapping and looked upon his shiny new Black Knight Sword.

Solaire praised the sun and the box exploded open with Sunshine, revealing a mini-sun.

Oscar was messing with Dave The Asylum Demon and was smashed into his present, which he opened and pulled an Estus Flask out that said USE on it.

Lautrec was sitting in a cell and thinking about his plans when a Balder Knight dropped Lautrec's present in his cell. Lautrec shotelled open the box and found a nice Firekeeper Soul along with a vacation ticket to Anor Londo.

Now those are just a few of the many gifts bestowed upon Lordran's residents. But that is only the beginning of Soulmas. Next was the annual Soulmas Party in the Kiln of The First Flame. Everyone was personally escorted in by Black Knight Bouncers. Jack was brought in like a king with fireworks and everything. Solaire lit the place up as he walked in. He praised the sun and the Black Knights were blinded momentarily by the sheer awesomeness of it. The party, of course would not start until everyone was there. Now to see this whole shindig from a much closer perspective.

**Jack...**

" This is going to be a good party this year." Jack said as he leaned up against the wall of the temporary party hall built for today.

" Yes, very much, as long as _HE_ doesn't show up." Gwyn said.

Jack shivered at the thought of _THAT_ guy. " Yeah, things would go pretty badly."

" Agreed. Now, when will everyone be here? STEVE!" Gwyn yelled. A Black Knight with a notepad appeared next to him. " Who on the list is here?"

Steve responded with a clear and precise voice. " We have, Jack, Solaire, Lautrec, Anastasia, Oscar, Tarkus, Beatrice, Frampt, Kaathe, Nito, Seath, Priscilla, Gwynevere, Gwyndolin, Smough, Ornstein, and Havel."

" Well, that is quite less people than expected but more should be here soon." Gwyn said.

" I think I'll go see how the others are doing." Jack said walking off.

He got a good look around to see what all the other party goers were up to. Solaire and Oscar were talking with Lautrec about this year's adventures. Lautrec had his arm wrapped around Anastasia. Jack approached and got wind of the conversation.

" Hey, Oscar remember when you got impaled on that Black Knight's greatsword?" Solaire said much more informally than he would usually have, probably because of the Sunlight Spear Ale bottle in his hand.

" Yeah, that was pretty embarrassing." Oscar said with a small chuckle.

" Hello Jack." Lautrec said when he noticed the Chosen.

" Sup Goldie." Jack said as the two exchanged high fives.

" The usual, kicking ass and taking names." Lautrec replied.

" Wonderful. What's going down Solaire?" Jack asked as the did an exploding epic brofist.

" Praising the almighty sun and enjoying conversation with Oscar." Solaire replied with slight slur of words.

" Perfect. Oscar?" Jack said turning to the Astorian knight.

" Just you know, getting ripped on for my past failures." Oscar said.

" You have to admit it was funny when that dragon incinerated you." Jack said laughing.

" Whatever." Oscar said to avoid further ridicule.

" Well, at least you all are doing good. Though I must ask, why do you have Anastasia with you?" Jack asked.

" Umm, how to answer that. She uh, likes me apparently." Lautrec replied.

" Like bad boys do you?" Jack asked the mute Firekeeper.

" Yes, I do. And he likes me too." Anastasia said in a rather quiet and small voice.

Everyone but Lautrec was surprised by her speaking. " I thought she couldn't speak." Oscar said.

" That was true until she was revived, it fixed her problems. Now she can talk." Lautrec said.

" Makes some level of sense." Jack said. " You guys have fun, I gotta check on the rest of the guests." Jack continued on heading to talk to Tarkus, Beatrice, and the Iron Golem, who had just got to the party.

" Aye! The Golem Flipper himself!" Jack said as he approached Tarkus.

" Hey! Puny man!" the Golem said before Tarkus could speak.

" DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK!" Tarkus said as flipped the Golem like he was a book cover.

" Really Tarkus? Do you have to wail on him every five seconds?" Beatrice asked with an eyeroll.

" Yes, I must. What do you need Jack?" Tarkus said.

" Just seeing how you guys are enjoying the party. Also, would you remind refraining from harming others at the party Tarkus.

" I WILL HIT WHO I WISH!" Tarkus angrily replied.

" You will not, unless you want a repeat of last year's party. You remember that right?" Jack asked.

" Oh yeah, he got drunk and started a huge brawl, the Silver Knights are still on strike because of that." Beatrice said.

" Exactly, no fighting until the actual tournament later alright?" Jack said.

" Alright, but can I smash Patches?" Tarkus said eagerly as the weasel bastard walked in.

" Smash away." Jack said.

Tarkus ran off full sprint and tackled Patches out of the arena and began smashing him into a greasy stain on the ground.

" Keeping him in check must be fun." Jack remarked.

" Yeah, it is." Beatrice replied.

" I would like it if he would stop flipping me, it isn't fun." Iron Golem said.

" Sorry, but there is nothing to be done about Tarkus, in terms of him kicking your iron clad rear." Jack said. " I am gonna see how the others are doing." Jack waved as he walked away and Tarkus returned with Patches held by the throat and being smashed in the face by Tarkus's fist.

Jack approached the Ravelord himself, Nito, who was sporting his signature sunglasses. " Its the Real Fucking Nito! How have you been doing?" Jack asked.

" Fucking good, but also fucking bad. Pinweel stole my shit again, but I got one of my boys working on it." Nito said.

" Any idea how long until they get it?" Jack asked.

" They should be back in-" Nito was cut off by the awesome approach of his servant.

" LEEEERRRROOOOOOYYYYYYYYYY!" was yelled and echoed throughout the Kiln as DJ Paladin Leeroy appeared from the sky with Pinwheel in one hand and a box of music equipment in the other. He crashed to the ground in front of Nito, leaving a small crater. " I GOT IT BOSS!" Leeroy said in his lowest volume, yelling.

" Good, and you got Pinwheel too." Nito said patting Leeroy's head.

" Now are you ready Ravelord?" Jack asked.

" Fuck yes." Nito said. " Leeroy, get the equipment set up and beat Pinwheel's lunch money out of em."

" WITH PLEASURE!" Leeroy said as shook down Pinwheel.

" See you later Nito, better spin some good records!" Jack said as he headed to see the next group of guests.

Jack found himself now talking to the dynamic duo of Smough and Ornstein. " How is it going Biggie and Shorty?"

" The usual, killing bitches and taking names. You know, I spear'em, Smough, does his thing." Ornstein responded.

" The bones are crunchy." Smough said.

" Okay, well, you keep on doing that." Jack said and continued on.

He next approached the Crossbreed and her father. " Hello, how are all of you doing on today?" Jack asked.

"Wonderful now that you are here." Priscilla responded happily, causing Seath to unleash a piercing glare of death at Jack.

" That is good to know, how have you been doing Seath?"

" I will stomp you out of existence you little worm." Seath replied venomously.

" Good to see we are on better standings than last week. You two enjoy the party." Jack said as he averted his eyes from Seath's death stare and walked away.

Jack decided that the Serpents were not really the ones he wanted to talk to and went back to Gwyn, who was talking to his old war buddy Havel.

" So, how has The Rock been recently?" Jack overheard Gwyn ask as he approached.

" Smashing everything with my dragon tooth, taking backstabs like they are poking me with toothpicks, and being generally unstoppable." Havel responded.

" That sounds fun." Jack said to enter the conversation.

" It is very fun." Havel replied.

" Well, everybody here seems to be doing fine, but the majority of the others are not present." Jack said.

" That is a problem, we really need everybody here for a good party. Why don't you go and see what is going on with the others." Gwyn said to Jack.

" Sure, I'll just zip around and see what is keeping them." Jack replied as he headed for the bonfire in the center.

He grasped the sword and was whisked away to the first spot he could think of, the bonfire kept by the Fair Lady. It took maybe half a second for Jack to reach the his destination, which he appeared at with a small blaze from the bonfire. Kirk was making his usual humanity drop off and noticed Jack.

" What do you want?" Kirk asked with a bit of annoyance.

" I came to bring you and the others to the Soulmas Party." Jack responded.

" I'm busy, can't you see?" Kirk said as he pointed to the Fair Lady Quelaan.

" Well then, I guess I won't need to offer these 99 HUMANITIES to her." Jack said causing Kirk to jump.

" How did you get that many?" the Knight Of Thorns asked.

" A LOT of invading. I'll give these to her if you come to the party." Jack bargained.

" Sure, but Quelaag's gonna be pissed if I leaver her sister here." Kirk said.

" I can deal with the Chaos Witch, you go on ahead." Jack said.

" Alright, time to go and get my armor decorated for the party." Kirk said as he walked off.

" Now to give you what I can to aid you." Jack said as he knelt down and offered all of the Humanities he had. " That is the best I can do, I hope it helped." Jack said standing back up, he turned to go up to Blighttown. " Now to deal with you sister."

Jack exited the room and ascended the steps to Quelaag's Domain. He walked out into the massive room full of webbing and was caught off guard by a blast of flame. Jack raised his Black Knight Shield in time and took minimal damage thanks to his heavily modified Elite Knight Armor. He looked to the ceiling to see Quelaag hanging from the ceiling, her hair drooping down as well, exposing her 'assets'. Jack averted his eyes, to be a gentleman of course.

" Was that really necessary?" Jack asked with a hand over his eyes.

" Yes, it was." Quelaag replied.

" Could you please get down from the ceiling?" Jack asked.

" What does these bother you?" Quelaag asked teasing with her chest pillows.

" Seriously?" Jack asked with a bit of irritation.

" Fine." Quelaag said as she dropped from the roof, she adjusted her hair to cover and Jack removed his hand. " Better?" she asked.

" Yes, now I came to make sure you wouldn't kill Kirk for going to the annual party." Jack stated.

" He is the only one that can fit down there to aid my sister, so no." Quelaag said plainly.

" I just gave her 99 Humanities, I think that will last her a while." Jack said.

" Oh really? Then Kirk's can live of he leaves for a bit." Quelaag said.

" Good, now I have to go get others for the party, you gonna come?" Jack asked.

" Maybe, now go." Quelaag said as she readied a Chaos Fireball.

" Alright, alright." Jack responded as he headed back down to the bonfire.

He walked back down and touched the bonfire's sword. In a moment he was warped to his next locale, the Darkroot Garden. He appeared at the bonfire right in front of Artorias's Tomb. Jack made his way down the stone steps and past the Forest Hunters to reach two more guests, Shiva Of The East, and his unnamed bodyguard.

" Greetings Chosen Undead, come to hunt?" Shiva said as Jack approached.

" Not, not today. I came here to invite you and the Forest Hunters to the Soulmas Party." Jack replied.

" Ah, I forgot that was today." Shiva said with realization, he turned to to his bodyguard. " Let everyone know we are going to party at the Kiln." the shadow warrior gave a nod and seemed to disappear he was so fast.

" That was rather easy. I figured I would have to deal with somebody first." Jack said with relief.

" I take it previous ones gave you some trouble?" Shiva asked.

" If you count throwing fireballs at me as trouble, that would be yes."

" I see. Well, we will be there soon, go ahead and get anybody else you need." Shiva said as he walked off to speak with Alvina.

Jack turned and headed for the bonfire so he could get to Firelink and speak with some of the inhabitants there. He took hold of the bonfire and was materialized at Firelink Shrine. Jack made his way around and spoke with everybody.

" Hey, Griggs and Big Hat. There is a party in the Kiln. Why don't you guys come?" Jack asked.

" I am not one for social events. I am perfectly fine right here." Logan responded.

" I wish I could come, but I must stay with Master Logan." Griggs said.

" Fine, more alcohol for me." Jack said with a shrug. He walked over to the pyromancer Laurentius. " How are you doing my good friend?"

" I am doing rather wonderful. I am still trying to figure out how to obtain Chaos Pyromancies though." Laurentius replied.

" Sounds cool. Wanna come to a party with alcohol and jolly Soulmas activities?" Jack asked.

" You had me at alcohol. I'll get going, where is it?"

" The Kiln Of The First Flame, just jump down the hole over there." Jack said pointing to the hatch that Frampt usually comes out of.

Laurentius gave a nod and smile before diving head first to the Kiln. Jack gave a shrug and moved to talk with the clerics. He approached Petrus and spoke. " Yo, party at the Kiln! You can meet your god!" the clerics rushed off but Rhea remained.

" Hey, why didn't you go with them?" Jack asked.

" I am going, I was just finishing prayer." the maiden replied as she stood and left for the Kiln.

" That takes care of those actually invited. Now to deal with one more thing." Jack said as he walked to the bonfire.

He took a firm grip and went to his final destination, The Abyss. Jack appeared in the place of complete darkness. It was pitch black and seemed to go on forever in any direction. He peered forward though, knowing just where to look. The next moment was Manus, standing there and staring down Jack.

"** What do you require, Undead?**" the the Father Of The Abyss spoke.

" You coming to the party? It would be incomplete without Manus Claus!" Jack said.

" **I just deliver the gifts, I am not really into the whole party thing.**" Manus replied.

" Why not just do it this one time?" Jack asked.

" **You know what, I will go. BUT, I want Humanity-chip cookies and binge drinking of Dark Magic Beer.**" Manus demanded.

" Deal, see you there!" Jack said as he returned to the lone light and warped back to the Kiln.

When he returned things were a lot more active. The rest of Gwyn's 4 Knights had arrived, the entire Forest Hunter covenant was partying, Nito had gotten spinning with his party records, playing a mix of Soulmas dubstep, Lordranwood Undead party songs, and some other music that wasn't worth mention. It seemed like all those invited plus more were there. Jack moved through the crowd of party-goers and got a better view of it all from a nice little wall he leaned against.

Kirk was sitting with at his grill with his Kiss The Kirk apron on as he flipped burgers. Some Dickwraiths got smart and set up a Driedtoe kissing booth, which was disrupted by some Darkmoons in brass armor that came down on them like a plunging greathammer. Capra was with his dags. Artorias must have made some dirty joke about Ciaran as he slapped her rear with his flapping arm and laughed. Gough was trading a special handshake with the Giant Blacksmith.

Solaire must have been really drunk by what Jack saw him doing. Solaire was shirtless and riding on the Tim The Taurus Demon's back with a cowboy hat on and a beer in his hand. Jack just shook his head, and noticed Tarkus and Lautrec, with Anastasia and Beatrice as cheerleaders, taking turns as they continued to pound the mass of bruises that was Patches into an even bloodier pulp. Next to them was, the Silver Knights? They had gone on strike because of last year's party, but were apparently back and doing a rather awesome synchronized dance routine.

Ornstein must have had dreams of being a stripper because he was now in nothing but his helmet dancing on his spear that was impaled in the ground. Smough was gorging on the buffet with Mildred. The clerics were suspended in air by there fat arses and being used as disco balls. Rhea was talking with Leeroy next to Nito's Ravelord booth. Oscar looked like he was making failed attempts at hitting on various women at the party. Laurentius was talking with Quelana, probably looking for some teaching in Pyromancy. Jack thought that until the two's faces were now locked together.

"_ Quite the ladies man he is._" Jack mused to himself.

Jack then noticed that there were some others that just arrived, it was the Chaos Sisters and their brother. Quelaag had walked in and climbed up high to signal Discharge to come with Quelaan. He dropped her in a quiet part of the party and stood like a guardian. Quelaag did the same. Jack was rather happy that they could make it, everyone being here really made the party happy.

Jack just stood for a bit in his thoughts and even removed his helmet, revealing his well defined face with short brown hair and dark green eyes. He leaned back and closed his eyes, only to be disrupted a minute later by a tap on his shoulder. Jack opened his eyes and turned as Priscilla appeared out of nowhere. Jack immediately noticed something a bit off, she was just an inch or two shorter than him.

" How are you that height?" Jack asked with surprise.

" I can change my height if I want to, it is just easier to be my natural height." Priscilla said.

" Oh, okay. What do you need?"

" Look up." Priscilla said.

Jack complied and noticed the Driedtoe above him. He immediately knew where this was going. " I am all good with that but how about somewhere private?" Jack said.

" Sounds good." Priscilla said as she donned a perverted smile and pulled Jack to the Crossbreed Only restroom in the party hall.

It was probably about 20-30 minutes before the two exited. Jack fixing his clothing and putting his helmet back on, and Priscilla fixing her hair and being glad her clothes are white. The two made an exchange of glances and walked off knowing that they were going to do that again later. Jack made his way back out to return to the party. He stepped out just as Manus Claus flew over in his sleigh pulled by the 9 Kingsdeer.

Everyone got excited and started hooting and hollering. Jack was about to when he noticed the one thing that would bring this party to a stop. " No, it can't be him! NO!" he yelled as there appeared the merciless bastard known by all as, The Legend.

**"FIRE THE BASS CANNON!"** echoed throughout the Kiln as a massive blast took out Manus, sending him barreling to the ground.

The crowd scattered as a the hulking monstrosity that was Giant's Armor, a Mask Of The Father, a Grass Crest Shield, and a Chaoshander smashed to the ground leaving a big crater. Everyone inside the party hall rushed out to see what was happening. All the people there just formed a massive crowd around him. All was silent.

After a moment, he spoke. " So, this is the pathetic party you fagits didn't invite ME to." his voiced boomed throughout the colosseum.

Immediately the Black Knights began a charge at him. He easily dispatched them with a few blade swings. He stabbed his sword through the last one and whispered. " Get gud scrub." as he ripped it out.

Jack knew what to do, he began going through the crowd as The Legend continued speaking. " Come on. Who is next out of you casul scrubs?"

" I am asshole." Jack said as he reached the front of the crowd, causing an uproarious cheer.

" Oh, so the Chosen Fagit wishes to challenge me? Come at me bro!" The Legend said as held his arms out and stepped forward tauntingly.

" If you wish death." Jack said as he entered his combat mode, blocking all else out, he focused, unsheathing his sword and looking for the perfect strike.

" Come on! Are you too scared scrub?" The Legend taunted again only to fall upon deaf ears.

Jack found his opening. " How about you come at me, Casul." Jack taunted as he beckoned.

" I AM NO CASUL!" The Legend roared as charged with his Chaoshander swinging.

Jack dodged the attacks and performed and parried by grabbing the blade and knocking it from his opponent's hands. He reposted and looked into The Legend's eyes. " Get Gud Scrub." Jack said, ripping the blade out.

" THE LEGEND NEVER DIES!" the foul being yelled as a pillar of evil Dark Magic blasted into the sky from his body. The crumpled and scorched remains fell to the ground.

A massive cheer came from everyone. Jack stood in the middle of it all, he looked around as he was lifted off his feet and carried around. He was brought to a throne in the party hall and sat in it like a king. Jack simmered everyone down a spoke.

" That was quite the party crash." Jack said with a small laugh. " But, lets not let that stop us from enjoying ourselves. Drink! Dance! Enjoy this once in a year party like it will never happen again!" Jack yelled to all, he was returned with a massive cheer and the party-goers getting back to there merry business. Jack sat and enjoyed the party from the throne, smiling all the while.

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Omega: And thus ends this story, I hope all of you enjoyed it and may you have the best of the Holidays!


End file.
